Chris Rock: Everybody takes daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio: Everything's momma. What's the daddy song? 'Papa Was A Rolling Stone.'
Ray Romano: Having children is like living in a frat house: Nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
Louis CK: When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep. You know why your father spends so long on the toilet? Because he's not sure if he wants to be a father.
Jon Stewart: Fatherhood is great, because you can ruin someone from scratch.
Conan O'Brien: Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Jim Gaffigan: Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: 'Well, that's a wrap on another day of acting like I know what I'm doing.' I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm not. Most of the time, I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake.
Jerry Seinfeld: The bedtime routine for my kids is like this Royal Coronation Jubilee Centennial of rinsing and plaque and dental appliances and the stuffed animal semi-circle of emotional support. And I've gotta read eight different moron books. You know what my bedtime story was when I was a kid? Darkness!